In Bullied Teen, Teens, The Bystander

My Best Friend is a Bully

What if your best-friend is a Bully

So you’ve discovered your Best-friend is a bully… life has definitely just thrown you a curve ball, and making itself harder than it should be. You see them making fun of others, picking on them, giving them a hard time or beating them up, and you don’t like it, but what are you going to do about it?…first brace yourselves for a few possibilities. Learn more about what to do If you are thinking “My Best Friend is a Bully”!

When your best friend is a bully, We are not telling you how to feel, discouraged maybe? Frustrated? Confused?

Maybe you’re considering dumping them and getting it over with, but then your gushy side takes over; and you remember that they need you or maybe you need them? Maybe they’re not a bully around you? So you figure if you’re not being harmed.

Or maybe you don’t want be a sentimental; so what if they’re giving a few losers a lesson; they’ve had it coming, right?

What if they make you feel good? What if they always have your back, or help you out somehow?  And what if they apologize whenever they bully you? And tell you how much they need you; that you’re the only good thing they have going?

But you still can’t seem to shut up the little voice in your head that’s telling you “enough!”

It might seem that they’re empowering you, giving you social status, good company, good laughs, maybe even goods full stop; but you do realize that they’re actually bringing you down, don’t you?

On the outside, it might seem that they have the upper hand, they might be cooler or more popular then you and they might know how to get away with a lot more then you can;  But let me tell you something I’d bet my life on; tough guys are never really as tough as they seem.

If you’re into psychology, you might know a little about compensation (balding guy with a do-over, old lady with tons of flashy bright makeup etc…)

Compensation runs deeper than just appearances- it’s all about hating a certain aspect of your life; that you’re unable to change, so you make up for it by pointing your energy in another direction.

This becomes unhealthy when you seemingly ignore the main problem and become fixated on what you use as a diversion. In other words, you can’t deal with something, so you become obsessed with something else because you think it’s your only vent.

Your friend is a classic case of compensation.

Let us ask you a few questions before we get down to business:

Would they still pick on someone who had an advantage over them, or do they always pick the weaker man?

How do you think they have it going at home? Are their parents around? How do they talk about them- or don’t they talk about them at all? Are their parents pushovers?

Have they ever showed up with a black-eye or lots of bruises? Do they try to avoid going home if they can?

These are just some things for you to think about, but it’s up to you to put two and two together.

Think of all the movies, think of how they made out the bully to be- the person that everyone feared but no one really liked…the person who sunk into oblivion over the years because they weren’t smart enough to get ahead…bottom line, definitely not a winner, is that how you see your friend?

And yes, movies are generally adapted from real life.

Now they might still be smart or successful despite of that, but I assure you with all my heart and soul, that there’s still something seriously messed up about them; and it comes down to whether you still want this person in your life knowing so. It’s all a matter of weighing your options, and determining if they’re still worth it.

First of all, you have to understand where they’re coming from- Most likely they’re going through a really hard time at home, and they have no control; so they’re trying to gain any sort of power by dominating others.

Talk to them- they might not be willing to open up; especially if they’re embarrassed by what they’re going through, so try to be understanding, and share something personal (quid pro quo), then ask them how things are at their end.

There’s two ways of how things will go; they’ll either disclose you with their problem, or they’ll be resilient.

If they share: If they share, they’re subconsciously admitting they need help; which makes your job easier because they realize something’s off. If you find that it’s more then you can handle (it’s something that can cause them permanent emotional damage) then you might want to consider asking your guidance councilor, or someone you trust for help-you don’t have to spill their secret in order to do so.

You have to help them realize that lashing out on others will only have them losing more then they signed up for; without actually solving their problems. Even the small amount of control they think they have by bullying is not worth what they’re compromising.

Make sure you have their back, but don’t let the bullying slide (read the next part for tips on how to confront it).

when your best friend is a bully, What if they don’t come clean with what they’re going through? 

You’re probably the only one who can get through to them; because you’re close enough for them to trust, but at the same time not involved in their ordeal. So without being melodramatic; you have a moral responsibility, and THIS IS A BIG DEAL, even if you’ve succeeded in hushing your conscience so far, IT WILL EAT YOU UP!

What goes around comes around, you never know how this will come back to haunt you if you don’t do what’s right.

Make sure it’s a private conversation, so they don’t feel threatened or set up; also so they don’t have the urge to show off or dominate the scene.

Be firm and decisive; remember that they’re ultimately weak (they run away from their problems and take it out on others, what more do you want?) so DON’T SHOW FEAR OR HESITANCE , you’d only be fueling them!

– Show them how wrong and mean their actions are and how it’s affecting those inflicted (till this point they might pretend it’s just a good laugh, or be oblivious to the gravity of the situation; so make this a reality check)

– Use whatever ammunition you can think of – do they believe in god? Karma? What would happen if someone they cared about saw them at their worst?

– If you suspect that they’re being abused themselves, then point out how strong they’d actually be if they refuse to enter the cycle, and obtain more self-restraint and will power then the person hurting them.

– And finally make it clear that if they don’t change, if they don’t control their impulses; then they’ll end up losing a lot of people- you included, even if you don’t like it.

Give them time to process, and continue being there for them; but also give them an ultimatum DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONDONE THEIR ACTIONS, OR FORFEIT YOUR STAND

If they still don’t change after all that, then be sure that they neither value your friendship, nor morals; and consider long and hard if this is someone you actually want to have in your life?

If they’re incapable of conceiving right and wrong, and if they have no sense of loyalty; then what’s to say they won’t turn against you in a second and make your life a living hell? Even if you have something they want or need- once you lose it- who will have your back?

You don’t have to lose your friend in order to do what’s right. Check out this link for more info. 

So did you learn what to do when your best friend is a bully? then spread the word to other friends about what to do when your best friend is a bully!

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